I Swear It’s True

I know I don’t need to keep saying this, but life with John is a constant adventure.  Whether he’s tipping over backhoes or boiling traps in a metal tub in the front yard, he never ceases to surprise me.  However, you might think the house in general and the bathroom specifically would be a relatively safe haven.  And you would be wrong.  With John around, you should ALWAYS expect the unexpected.

I don’t have data to support this belief, but I imagine that showering protocol is pretty much universal.  You turn on the water, wait for the desired water temperature, and engage whatever device forces the water from the faucet through the shower head.  When you are finished, you reverse the process by disengaging the shower head and turning off the water.  I’m flexible enough to accept those who shut the water off first and then disengage the shower head.  What I can’t abide is anyone who shuts off the water without changing the flow back through the faucet.

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As our population ages, scientists and medical professionals constantly conduct research focused on the health problems that arise later in life.  This growing body of information has Baby Boomers better prepared for their golden years than any previous generation.  However, one serious condition that has received less than its share of attention is SHS—Snoring Husband Syndrome.  The sleeping partners who have to endure SHS often think they would do anything to make it stop, but that may not be entirely true.

According to the independent research I have conducted (in our office), SHS affects close to 100% of the male population over the age of 50.  However, the effects of SHS are more devastating for family members, particularly spouses, than the millions of men who suffer from the condition.  Men generally report bruising of the ribs and legs along with alienation of affection as the most common symptoms of SHS.  Sleep deprivation, bruised knuckles, sore feet, and latent aggression are the most common complaints from women.

John is not a stereotypical snorer.  He doesn’t rattle the windows, and his nasal reverberations don’t sound like a small engine running in the next room.  However, what he lacks in volume, he more than makes up for with variety.  At times he will exhibit what I call “the classic,” a rumble in the back of his throat caused by the vibration of soft tissue when he inhales.  Other times the noise is a simple puff of air that sounds like the word, “Poo.”  Another variation sounds like I am sleeping next to Darth Vader.  Regardless of the “tune” that he plays, most nights I end up sleep deprived.

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